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Snowden Docs Reveal: Nazi Aliens Rule U.S.!

Well, at least according to Iran's semi-official (and frequently batty) news agency, Fars, they do. Controlled since at least 1945 by shadowy aliens known as the "Tall Whites," America is being run according to the dictates of an "alien/extraterrestrial intelligence agenda" set by these otherworldly visitors, who have a surprising history in aiding Adolf Hitler. "Stunning," "cataclysmic," and "explosive" are a few of the words used to describe the report, which if any of it made any sense would certainly not be far off.

The story, which was originally published by the screw-loose conspiracy "news" website Whatdoesitmean.com, is about a report drawn up by the Russian security agency Federal Security Service based on leaked Snowden documents. Among the trove of documents supposedly leaked to the FSB, the true bombshells were those describing cooperation between the aliens -- the Tall Whites -- and the U.S. government. But that's not all: the Tall Whites were also behind the "stunning" rise of Nazis in Germany prior to WWII.

According to the story, "in just one example of the many outlined in the FSB report," Tall Whites helped to drastically expand the number of German submarines at the end of the 1930s from 57 to 1,163. Jump ahead a couple of decades to 1954 and the same Tall Whites have gone on to find new jobs as advisers to President Dwight D. Eisenhower. According to the supposed FSB report, the Tall Whites had come to establish the "secret regime" currently governing the United States. The Whatdoesitmean.com story suggests that this is the "secret regime" supposedly unveiled by the Snowden leaks. (The "secret regime" was actually used somewhat metaphorically by Rolling Stone to describe the gap between policies voters endorse at the ballot box and secret surveillance programs.) The Whatdoesitmean.com report draws in a bizarre Russian television appearance from former Canadian Defense Minister Paul Hellyer last week in which he claims aliens are living on Earth and are refusing to share their advanced technologies until humans make peace with each other. Hellyer made these claims after he was given access to the documents, according to the report.

While Fars has a reputation for picking up outlandish stories from spoof websites, Whatdoesitmean.com seems like a particularly embarrassing turn. It's nearly impossible to find any real information about the website, but one quick glance at its headlines reveals that it's a straight-forward peddler of conspiracy theories: Orders from world leaders to destroy whole countries, Obama's mass genocide plots, ALL Obamacare info going straight into the hands of a shadowy Russian hacker. A quick perusal of online forums will tell you that a few people who have bought books from the website either never got them or eventually received spiral-bound compilations of article's websites. Worse, Fars News Agency has linked to the website on numerous occasions: recently about an underground nuclear explosion in Japan and several reports from this year and last about a Putin-ordered offensive that will probably destroy all of Saudi Arabia.

While one part of the Iranian government is busy negotiating a nuclear deal with the United States, another is content with spreading outrageous conspiracy theories. It's yet another reminder of how deeply divided the country's government remains.

FARS

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Idaho Potatoes and a Furry Pink Hat: This Is What Now Passes for Diplomacy

Few diplomats have seen quite as much success in stifling American ambitions on the world stage as Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov. It's even won him a nickname: Minister Nyet. But fresh off victories to eliminate Syria's stockpile of chemical weapons and a deal to pause Iran's nuclear program, Secretary of State John Kerry has shown a remarkable ability to work with a man who gleefully made life miserable for Kerry's predecessor in Foggy Bottom. On Monday, Kerry made his latest overture in his budding romance with the Russian foreign minister, offering Lavrov an unusual gift: two sizable Idaho potatoes.

Amid some chuckles and giggles, Lavrov called the starchy tubers "impressive." Puzzled? Apparently the last time the two officials met, Lavrov had mentioned Idaho potatoes -- potatoes, of course, are a basic ingredient of Eastern European cuisine. Kerry, like an attentive suitor, took notice and brought Lavrov some spuds as a show of affection ahead of a meeting in Paris as part of the run-up to peace talks in Geneva next week aimed at bringing the Syrian civil war to a close.

In return, the Russian delegation offered a traditional furry "ushanka" hat to Jen Psaki, the State Department spokesperson. That gift was accompanied by what must be the most Russian explanation to ever accompany a gift to a U.S. diplomat. The hat, the Russian Foreign Ministry's official Twitter account explained, would help Psaki "to stay warm & fancy during US winter storm." The hat may be a cold-weather Russian wardrobe staple, but Psaki's came in a good-old-fashioned American shade of Barbie pink.

In a remarkable departure from the acrimony that has marked U.S.-Russian relations in recent years, Maria Zakharova, deputy director of the Russian foreign ministry's information and press department, said on Facebook that "everyone was happy."

Good thing that Kerry and Lavrov have what has been called "a good working relationship," because when potatoes get involved in politics, it's not always pretty. In 2006, Germany and Poland became engaged in a full-on "potato war," when a German newspaper used the starchy food as an epithet towards the late Polish President Lech Kaczynski. And just last week a Zambian opposition leader was arrested and charged with defamation after he called the country's president a potato.

Oh, potato-potato.

PABLO MARTINEZ MONSIVAIS/AFP/Getty Images