The Top Five Career Paths for Berlusconi After Being Booted from Politics

Poor Silvio Berlusconi. On Wednesday, his colleagues in the Italian Senate effectively declared him unfit for office and voted to expel him from the body.

The vote effectively caps the former prime minister's tumultuous fall from grace, one that has featured rampant allegations of tax fraud, underage prostitutes, and wholesale corruption. In short, Europe is losing arguably its worst and most entertaining politician.

That has headline writers around the world in dismay, and no one would like to see Berlusconi launch a second act more than the journalists who have gleefully covered his time in politics.

To that end, here at FP we have some ideas about how good ol' Silvio might spend his retirement. Without further ado, here are some suggested career paths for how Italy's most polarizing politician can put his sunset years to good use.

Russia's ambassador to the Holy See

Sure, he's been nailed for tax fraud and having sex with an under-aged prostitute, but Berlusconi is already something of an informal religious emissary. Not only are his policy positions famously friendly to the Church -- as prime minister he expanded subsidies for Catholic schools and stood as a bulwark against gay marriage and euthanasia -- the Great Seducer is also apparently skilled in the art of proselytism. As one attendee of his famous "bunga bunga" sex parties told an Italian radio host in 2011, "He loves God, he speaks to God. He is a believer and thanks to him I have become religious as well."

What's more, Russian President Vladimir Putin has already mooted his old friend for the coveted diplomatic posting -- if we are to believe the rumors circulating in the Italian press. "Putin intends to give Silvio Berlusconi a passport, a diplomatic passport, which would allow him to spend the rest of his days in his foreign residences: Antigua or Bermuda, or perhaps St. Moritz," an unnamed MP from Berlusconi's Forza Italia party told the right-wing newspaper Libero. Now stripped of his parliamentary immunity, the ambassadorship would have the obvious benefit of shielding the former prime minister from further legal trouble. It would also give him the chance to smooth over what has been a turbulent relationship with the Church. So what if the Vatican has slammed Berlusconi for his "worrying weakness for young and flowing actresses" and for throwing the "whole country into chaos." Catholicism is all about forgiveness, right?

Certified Public Accountant

Are you an Italian business tycoon who hates paying taxes? Is the government's nickel-and-diming cutting into your bottom line? We've got just the accountant for you. It took Italy's Court of Cassation 208 pages to detail Berlusconi's ingenious scheme to avoid paying taxes on the roughly $320 million his offshore companies pocketed after inflating the price of TV rights to U.S. films as they relicensed them for domestic broadcast. The former prime minister, in the court's words, was "directly responsible for the masterminding, creation and development" of the tax-evasion plan. If you're thinking it might not be a good idea to hire a guy who is probably headed to prison, consider how long it took him to get nailed: Berlusconi was slapped with his first tax-fraud conviction in 1997 and he's only now been expelled from the Senate. There might not be an Italian word for Teflon, but the smart money is on Il Cavaliere to keep the charges from sticking.

A beauty salon for world leaders

With his face frozen in an eternal botox-ed smile, a retired Berlusconi could probably
pull off a stint at Madame Tussaud's impersonating his own wax figure. But it seems the sprightly 77 year-old's energy would go to waste at the famous museum. Instead, the man whose ageless glow can be attributed to extensive cosmetic surgery should turn to opening a high-end beauty salon geared toward a high-powered clientele. According to Berlusconi, who took a leave of absence during his tenure as prime minister just to rejuvenate his face, getting  plastic surgery "shows respect to those who expect you to represent them on an international and national stage." For roughly the price of what your country gives to combating malaria (Bill Gates estimated Berlusconi's expenses for hair-transplants to be just that, or less), you'll get an entirely new look, which might help you stay in power for more than two decades.

The salon could offer an "Il Cavaliere Pearly Whites" teeth whitening service, a hair replenishing specialist (where you could choose from the "color-in" option or a nice hair-plug), and a make-up artist who uses just the right amount of guyliner, inspired by "the Great Seducer." Finally, the salon would provide tanning services under the name "Get Your Obama Tan On," as Berlusconi seems to be convinced the U.S. president has the perfect tan.

The end result? For the small price of wearing a stylish white bandanna for a few weeks to hide the scarring: an overwhelming burst of youthful energy. A little cosmetic surgery will make you feel just like the former prime minister -- "40 to 42 years old in all aspects of life."

'Bunga Bunga Tours'

Nothing short of a huge international success awaits the "Bunga Bunga Tours" cruise line. A former cruise ship singer, the prime minister would be returning to his roots -- only this time, he'd be running the luxury liner, and running it with style. Like his infamous Bunga Bunga disco parties, for which Berlusconi now faces serious charges, the guest list will exclusively include powerful old men and not-so-powerful young women. The cabins would be supplied with stripper poles, and the balding men in hawaiian print shirts would have a wide variety of slightly underage female escorts to choose from, all dressed in costumes ranging from the classic sexy nurse or sexy nun to U.S President Barack Obama, if anyone so fancies. To avoid some unfortunate legal mishaps,"Bunga Bunga Tours" would probably be sailing only in international waters.

FIFA president

If all else fails and the Vatican decides that Berlusconi's various transgressions cannot be forgiven, the Bunga Bunga luxury liner crashes and sinks, and Vladimir Putin sues his friend Silvio for a botched hair transplant, the former prime minister can always turn to a post at the governing body of his favorite sport -- soccer. His resume, brimming with qualifications in fraud, debauchery, power-grabbing, and bribery, would go right to the top of the pile for the position of the president of The Fédération Internationale de Football Association -- or FIFA. It's possibly the most corrupt post in sports.



Rouhani Rips Off Obama 'Yes We Can' Video in Latest PR Stunt

If Iranian President Hassan Rouhani is a wolf in sheep's clothing, as Benjamin Netanyahu claims, then this sheep has one savvy media team.

Mere days after Iran inked a landmark nuclear deal with a team of Western negotiators, the producer for Rouhani's electoral campaign ads released a video called "The New Journey" or "Aspirations," depending on the translation. It's a clip with remarkable overtones to the 2008 Obama-inspired viral video, "Yes We Can." Instead of and 30 of his celebrity friends singing over an inspirational Obama's speech, the Iranian version performs a similar trick with Rouhani's inaugural remarks. Released to mark the first 100 days of Ruohani's time in office, the video stars Iranian celebrities and even includes a sign-language cameo -- just like its American counterpart.

And unlike the countless "Yes We Can" ripoffs -- including, for example, the version in which the late Kim-Jong-Il "Yes I Can" screeches "You Americans are talking about Hillary and Obama, well I got a hill full o bomba's" -- the Iranian one is a 100 percent serious, if not earnest.

"Let us allow Islam with its peaceful face, Iran with its rational face, the revolution with its humane face, and the establishment, with its affecting face, continue to create epics," Rouhani says in a segment of his inaugural address included in the video, which transforms the speech it into a slick Internet-ready message of unity and hope.

During his time in office, Rouhani has embarked on a remarkable charm offensive, delivering a message of peace and moderation to the world. That PR-campaign helped convince the world that a nuclear deal might be possible and in all likelihood helped deliver the Geneva agreement that put the brakes on Tehran's nuclear program. Hossein Dehbashi, who produced the clip and who also made videos for Rouhani's electoral campaign, called the clip "spontaneous," but that is obviously far from the truth. The video fits perfectly with the messaging campaign carried out by Rouhani and his advisers. Between Rouhani's friendly Twitter presence and his efforts to extend at least a rhetorical olive branch to the United States, Rouhani and his minders have been highly deliberate in how they present themselves to the world.

This video is just the latest example of how savvy they are.