If pro is the opposite of con, then what's the opposite of progress? ......

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Congress.

A Pole walking along the road happens to spy a lamp. He picks it up and as its covered in rust he gives it quick rub, and out came a genie.
“I’m the genie of the lamp and I can grant you three wishes,” it said.
“OK,” said the Pole. “I want the Chinese Army to invade Poland.” Odd choice, thought the genie, but nevertheless granted the wish, and the Chinese Army came all the way from China, invaded and went back home.
“Right, second wish. Maybe something more positive,” said the genie.
“No,” replied the Pole, “I want the Chinese Army to invade again.” So the Chinese came all the way from China, laid waste to more of Poland and then went home.
“Listen,” said the genie. “You have one last wish. I can make Poland the most beautiful and prosperous place on earth.”
“If you don’t mind, I want the Chinese army to invade one more time.” So the Chinese army came again, destroyed what was left of Poland and then went home for the last time.
“I don’t understand,” said the genie. “Why did you want the Chinese army to invade Poland three times?”
“Well,” replied the Pole, “they had to go through Russia six times.”

Silvio Berlusconi walks into a topless bar. The bartender says, “what’ll you have?” Berlusconi says, “the usual.”

The Labour party

Advisor: Mr. President, I’ve got good news and bad news.

Obama: What’s the good news?

Advisor: Your recent trip to India has generated more jobs for the United States.

Obama: What’s the bad news?

Advisor: The Tea Baggers are saying you’re a secret Hindu born in Mumbai.

An American journalist was recently covering the French riots and asked a middle aged Frenchman if he was worried about his retirement age being raised.

The man replied quickly, “Of course it worries me! Why is zee President screwing me when he has a hot Italian wife?!”

What's more annoying than a neutral foreign policy?

Being Swiss.

This one has been going around for a while in Thailand:

A Thai was sitting with a Malaysian and a Singaporean in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden, Saudi police entered and arrested them. They were initially sentenced to death but they contested this and were finally imprisoned for life.

But, as it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: It's my first wife's birthday today, and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

So the Malaysian thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.

The Singaporean, watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my back". But even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went through again.

Before the Thai fellow could say something, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "As you are from a poor country, and your football team is terrible, and your women are too skinny, you can have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your most merciful highness," the Thai replied. "My first wish is: I would like to have 40 lashes."

"If you so desire", the Sheik replies with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?"

The Thai man answered: "Tie the Singaporean to my back."

The Czech are so famously distant from the other Slavic nations and so willing to be seen as different from the Central and Eastern European pack, that after splitting with Slovakia, they decided to find a new name for their country.
They would call it East Germany.

God called upon American President, Soviet Prime Minister, and Chinese Leader. They all arrive and the Allmighty tells them that he's tired of all our squabbling and that the world will end in two weeks, and they should go back and prepare their nations the best they can.
American President returns to his people, schedules a TV address, and says:
"Citizens of United States! I have two important announcements! One is good, the other one not so much. First the good one: God really exists. The bad news is that the world will end in two weeks."
Soviet Prime Minister returns to his people and says:
"Comrades! I have two bad news announcements to make! First of all, God really does exist. Second - the world will end in two weeks."
Chinese Leader returns back to his people and says:
"Rejoice all! I have two good news to announce! First - the God himself spoke to me! Second - he told me I am going to rule until the end of the world!"

Of all the political jokes I've ever heard, jokes about the former USSR are the best. Here are a few:

"A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.

As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're very drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realises he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says: "Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!"

The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly. The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him: "By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!"
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There was an abortive assassination attempt against Brehznev on Red Square, during which a man pulled a revolver and tried to shoot the Premier as he drove past. The attempt failed because every other man on the street tried to take the gun away from him, saying, "No, let me!"
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An Englishman, a Frenchmen, and a Russian were having a drink in a bar in pre-1991 Moscow. They were discussing the nationality of Adam and Eve.

The Englishman said, "Adam gave his apple to Eve, as an English gentleman would."

The Frenchman said, "But look how skillfully Adam seduced Eve. He must surely be a Frenchman."

The Russian said, "You two are crazy. You have a guy wandering around with naked ass and who has nothing to eat but an apple, and yet still believes he's in paradise? Adam can only be a Russian!"
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A court employee hears a judge laughing as he walks down the hall. The employee asks, "Comrade Judge, what is so funny?"

The judge replies, "I just heard a hilarious anecdote (anecdotal joke about a famous Soviet political figure)."

"Oh, yes? Tell it!"

"Are you crazy? I just condemned a man to ten years in a gulag for that anecdote!"
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A new inmate was entering the gulag. A guard asked him the normal introductory questions, "So, what are you in for?" "How long is your sentence?"

The inmate replied,"Fifteen years, but I am innocent."

The guard spat, "Liar! The innocent only get ten years!"
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A man goes into a butcher shop. He asks the butcher, "So, do you have any meat today?"

The butcher responds, "No, we have no meat today."

"Oh, so do you have any milk?"

"I am only a butcher. Go across the street to the other store. They don't have any milk there."
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Why is the dentistry such a frustrating profession in Russia?

Because no Russian will ever open his mouth.
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The Prime Minister of Estonia Andrus Ansip calls his Russian colleague Vladimir Putin:

“Good morning, Vladimir! Don´t you want to buy Estonia?”

“Why not?” answers Putin.

“Do you want to buy only the territory or all the population too?”

“Only the territory.”

“I see. In that case you must wait three more months…”

One more, if you can stand it:

http://open.salon.com/blog/robert_brenner/2010/05/11/code_of_honor_two_unmanned_
military_drones_walk_into_a_bar

An American, a Mexican, and a Japanese are on a plane that is quickly losing alttitude. In order to keep the plane in the air longer and make the plane lighter the three men decide to throw away anything unnecessary.

The Japanese throws out all the rice. When the American and Mexican ask him why he says, "there is a lot of it in my country."

Then the Mexican throws out all the beans. When the American and Japanese ask him why he says, "there is a lot of those in my country."

Last the American looks around the plane but he can't find anything that would not be useful. Then he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane. When the Japanese asks him why he says, "there is a lot of those in my country."