Peter Macdiarmid/Getty

Winners

Gordon Brown: Long-suffering, dandruff-prone UK treasurer prepares to succeed Tony Blair as the head of Labour and Britain.

Paul Wolfowitz: Survives the unsavory Euro-coup—for at least a few more days.

Vietnamese stocks: So hot right now.

Michael Moore: U.S. Treasury stupidly publicizes the perennial blowhard's latest stunt, which involves schlepping sick 9/11 rescuers to Cuba.

Timor-Leste: What better way to end the violence than to elect a winner of the Nobel Peace Prize? 

Losers

Iran doves: So much for engagement, eh?

Dave Einsel/Getty

Rudy Giuliani: Pope Benedict XVI's abortion pontificating underscores what will be the inevitable campaign-killer for the abortion-fickle former NYC mayor.

Syrian democrats: President Bashar al-Assad guaranteed a second-term; pro-democracy dissident Dr. Kamal Labwani guaranteed a stint in prison.

Japanese vending machines: Vital source of panties threatened by crackdown in Colombia.

Poland: Pootie-Poot scuppers Polish hopes bring Kazakh oil around, not through, Russia.