Winners

China: The hero of the six-party talks.

Jack Bauer: The military's alleged emulation of the 24 hero's torture tactics is the highest form of flattery. Right?

Nicolas Sarkozy: Ségolène sinking fast.

Danish cartoonists: Prosecutors ask that all charges against Charlie Hedbo—the French journalist sued for republishing the notorious Danish cartoons of Mohammed—be dropped.

Ralph Fiennes: En route to Mumbai to spread the good word about safe sex, becomes a lifetime member of the Mile High Club.

Losers

Hillary Clinton: Gets deleted.

The surge: U.S. House of Representatives condemns it. 

Sam Brownback: Obscure Kansas Senator schedules announcement of presidential run on the same day as America's Mayor, never shows up for work.

Chrysler: On Valentine's Day, Daimler tells its U.S. car division: It's not me, it's you.

Anna Nicole Smith's baby: Becomes a football.